Stupid reporter tricks: The Case of the Exploding Cigarette

I recently was reminiscing with a colleague about stupid reporter tricks.

I've committed . . . a few.

 I recalled that, some 35 years ago at a Spokane, Wash., alternative newspaper, I stuffed match heads into the cigarettes of my managing editor while he was at lunch. 

He returned, and I could hear his Zippo click open. He must have gotten two, maybe three puffs before the flare. (That is not him below, by the way. But it illustrates the tale, albeit it bit exaggerated.)

I still recall the shrieks of obscenities that blew forth from his office, followed a ragged breath or two later by an angry, "Mims! Get in here!"

 Not only were the still glowing shreds of tobacco just beginning to halt their rain onto his desktop, but he claimed the flare had singed his moustache and eyebrows.

Good thing that he was my friend. Remarkably, he still is.

Also, good thing my current editor at the Salt Lake Tribune doesn't smoke.

Hey, I may be 60 now, but that impish 20-something guy is still sloshing around inside and occasionally rears his horned head.

After all, years after the Exploding Cig Incident, I left a phone message note for my boss at Associated Press with a number that answered with a recorded come on for a dating service. 

It began, "Hey, big boy . . ." I kid you not.

Said editor was both irritated and amused, I think, in equal measure.

He was less reticent about his orders to never do that again.

AP also brought out the beat/worst of my competitive nature. Misdirecting rival UPI reporters, unscrewing mouthpieces of pay telephones after racing to one to dictate breaking news, ducking under police barricades to get close to mudslides and semi truck explosions . . . and being chased by a bull during one of the latter incidents as I crossed a pasture, after climbing through a dry canal under a blocked off freeway.

I may grow up, some day.  

Probably, when I'm dead.

 

Journalism and Janitors: Dirty birds of a metaphorical feather

 When I was a poor preacher's kid working my way through college, I had gigs as a dishwasher at Holiday Inn, and as a janitor on campus. 

Thirty-plus years later, I realize it was the latter job that prepared me best, mentally anyway, for a career as a journalist.

Living the dream, folks. I rise before dawn, get to work when the sun rises and essentially shovel away the "crap" left over from nightside, leaving the news porcelain seat clean for the day's Buns 'o' Destiny.

When you get down to it, whether in coveralls or a suit, loafers or hip-boots, wielding a laptop and cellphone or a spray bottle of disinfectant and a Johnny brush, we all essentially scoop and flip the tasks of the day in order to put that roof over our heads and food on the table.

Which reminds me: Always wash your hands after work and before eating.

It's NOT my 60th birthday . . . I'm just 39, for the 21st time

Sixty years old. 

Sounds old. So, I'll express it this way: I'm marking my 39th birthday . . . for the 21st time.

Honestly, a few years ago I did not expect to make it this far. Except for, IMHO, miraculous intervention and skilled docs (they do work together, you know), I would not have done. Since age 55, really, I've felt I was on borrowed time, and I became convinced of it a little more than a year ago when an aortic valve replacement helped me avoid what the cardiologist said was imminent death.

It's been a strange journey. My profession has made me an observer. My faith has made me an uncomfortable participant, as belief has wrestled with that human feeling (certainty?) of cosmic incompetence.

You do your best. You depend on faith to bridge the gap between comfort and conviction, insecurity and aspiration, fear and courage, mediocrity and the dream.

You don't want to leave anything important undone.

I think of Hemingway's character, "Harry," in the short story "The Snows of Kilimanjaro," who awaits death from a gangrenous leg wound on a cot in an African hunting camp. He laments having waited to write things, thinking he had to wait for accumulated experience before he could do those things justice. Now, those things would go unwritten.

Now, that he had weighed his life, seen what was truly real, judged himself, punished himself. He faces the end, dissatisfied with his spiritual sloth, and yet, as he drifts toward the end, acceptance and peace and perhaps self-forgiveness come.

That was Hemingway's hope, for Harry and himself. The horror, the truth is that the realization of dreams unsought due to personal cowardice, insecurity and procrastination are too often the last thoughts before the end.

There's a hyena that skulks around the camp at night, coming closer each night. Like Harry's leg, is smells. In the story, the foul odor and death personified become one.

One passage I like a lot from the final moments of Harry's life is part of a prolonged conversation with his wife. I find it particularly poignant:

"Do you feel anything strange?" he asked her.

"No. Just a little sleepy."

"I do," he said.

He had just felt death come by again.

"You know the only thing I've never lost is curiosity," he said to her.

I wake up, every day, curious. Curious about what life will bring to me and my loved ones that day. Curious about how news events I will witness, report on and read about and see that day will affect the Story of Humanity.

That's the baseline, the purely human part of me, I suspect. Add to that a sense of awe, adoration of God and his creations, the rare wonder of life in all its varieties, and regardless of the really minor irritations that we perceive as mountains, it's worth getting up and walking into the dawn.

Of bicycle tumbles, screaming dogs and obnoxious Mondays-that-basically-suck

Sheesh. Beautiful Monday morning so decided I'd bike to work for first time since my heart surgery a year ago.

Suffice it to say, I will be compiling a personal "Do Not Do While Biking to Work" list.

(1) In avoiding #$@% sprinklers that soak the road, parkway and shoulder of the street, do not ride on the wet, long grass of the parkway. (This results in sudden slippage and copious amounts of blood from elbow and knee; and broken tail light).

And in keeping with Mondays Basically Suck
  truisms, here is something obnoxious:
 "Cody, the Screaming Dog."

It has to be fake, right? But it IS obnoxious.

... Nooooooo!  It's not fake.

ARGGGGGhhhhhh!

The heart of the matter: Year out from surgery, a new valve -- and a grateful Heart

I had a milestone today. My year out from aortic valve replacement surgery, I met with the surgeon who sliced, cracked, scooped out the old, about-to-fail valve and sewed in a new cyborgian metal, plastic and bovine model this time last year.

If all is well, one more battery of tests in August and then, hopefully, just an annual thing.

I've had so many EKGs and echocardiograms and blood draws (and the occasional cable up the femoral artery) this year I could put the sensors on myself; I can recognize the various chambers of my ticker when looking at the monitors.

I deal with this rather well, when I approach it with a journalist's curiosity, and intellectual awe at what medical science can do today. Kind of like being immersed in a Discovery Channel documentary.

It's when I get a glimpse of this ordeal through the eyes of loved ones that the appreciation also becomes emotional, even spiritual.

Perhaps, a lot spiritual, as in gratitude broadcast out to the cosmos and the Spirit of Love I know as God.

A through-the-eyes of others moment caught me by surprise on Sunday. Barbara and I took a walk on a glorious spring afternoon, finding a park bench to just sit and hold hands. The sunshine warmed our faces, the breeze caressed us and brought the scent of cherry blossoms. Time stopped.

She leaned over, put her head on my chest and hugged me, holding on for several minutes.

"What?" I said, with my usual sensitivity to the import of the moment (not).

She looked up at me, a tear spilling from her eye. "Just listening to your h-h-heart," she said.

"Does it sound weird? Is it clicking?" I joked. (That's how I handle those moments in life when things get too . . . serious. And often, when I handle it this way, it comes across as inappropriate. But  I am what I am; flawed in character, as well as in the cardiac realm.)

Live with it; I do. Thank God.

"No. It sounds ... like your heart," she finally answered, and began to sob softly.

So, I just shut up. And held her.

I was humbled in a way the word "humble" falls far short of expressing.

When you feel Love like that, sometimes you just shut your mouth, and hold on tighter.

Grandfetus revealed (and how). It's a he, and his name shall be Gabriel

Since my daughter, Brenda, and her husband Idal told us she was expecting, I've been calling my future grandfetus "Critter."
This was tolerated, barely, by the future parents.
Now, halfway through the pregnancy, a sonogram snapshot confirms that "Critter" is a male.
Captured for all to see are the appropriate . . . accoutrements to the male gender. Let's just say, without bragging, that the evidence is impossible to miss.
Even if the viewer suffered poor eyesight. Just sayin.
Moving along . . . 
So, the child's name shall be . . .  Gabriel Mims-Tchinang Tchoundjo.
I suspect, as the years come along, I will be calling him "Gabe."
After all, it took me nearly a year to get the pronunciation of my son-in-law's name (he's originally from Cameroon) correct.
It is nice they included our family name in there, though.
And, who knows . . . I might even have a special nickname for little Gabe down the road.
Hmm.
Maybe . . . Critter!

P.S. Not sharing the aforementioned sonogram, at the parents' request.

P.S.S. I'd have to include a viewer's warning, after all.

Papal permutations: a hard habit to break

So, the Pope Emeritus Benedict is flown off to a papal retreat.

Forgive me, but why did the image of the ex-pontiff in a Olympic pool-sized hot tub with nuns doing synchronized swimming around him, and "pool monks" in flipflops waving billowing censers over his emeritus papal pate flash before my eyes?

Twisted imagination. It's a hard "habit" to break.

OH! Cassocks and conundrums!

It's not always complicated . . . or rats in the walls

I wonder if this is a gender thing. 

Our main TV, in the living room, lost its cable feed. The one in my office did not. Hmm. 

So, last night I'm troubleshooting it. Checking the connections, turning gizmos off and on, changing the "source" settings, etc. 

Convinced a rat in the wall must've gnawed through a cable leading to the big screen, ready to call Comcast and/or electrician techs. 

Barb comes out, grabs a remote, selects "03" . . . and fixes it with a muffled, "Mennnnnnn."

Well, it could've been a rat in the wall.

It could.

My hair: Lost in translation. Literally.

If you live in a multi-cultural neighborhood, it is really a good idea to pick up at least an effective smattering of the lingua franca...  in this case, Spanish. And you really should know when that sweet-faced young Latina smiles and says "Short, Si?" While pointing at what turns out to be the No. 1 setting on her clippers...  holding up your index finger and thumb one and a half inch apart means nothing, if you also gallantly answer, "Er, Si! Porforvor. "
After the initial buzzzzz, all is lost. Really. You just opted for a "high-and-tight" haircut, mi amigo.
And chagrined, as well as decidedly chilly from the ears up, you still pay the $10, and dutifully add a nice tip.
Those brown eyes, raven hair and the trilling "Gracias," make you forget your hairless plunge... until you see yourself in the glass exit door's reflection.
Then just croak, "Ohhhh, Lord!" And pull down your cap and slink home.
Hair grows back. Right?
RIGHT?!?